I recently read an article in the New York Times that encourages its readers to think of the types of friends that they want in their post-pandemic life. The article advises that we ought to prune relationships that do not nourish and sustain us because according to research the quality of our friends determines our health and happiness.
While we are all aware that relationships do impact our well-being, what would happen if we all withdrew from difficult relationships simply because they do not promote our personal needs first? What kind of people do we become, if we “are selective and stick to what nourishes and sustains us?” While social science may tell us that this is what is best for us, the Scriptures provide a different picture.
Christ’s sacrificial love for his friends.
When we look at Jesus in the gospels, we see a picture of friendship that is very different from the world. He called his disciples his friends (John 15:15). Jesus was not the kind of friend who was seeking to be served. (Matt. 20:28) Instead, Jesus modeled sacrificial friendship to us.
In the gospels, Jesus called 12 men to follow him (Luke 9:1, Mark 3:13-19). These men were self-seeking (Mark 9:33-37),and followed him for potential future gain when Jesus’ kingdom was established (Mark 10:35-39). They misunderstood him (Luke 8:14-18), one betrayed him with a kiss (Matt. 26:48-50), and during his greatest time of need, they all abandoned him (Matt. 26:56).
In contrast, Jesus pursues a relationship with them (Mark 3:13), teaches them (Mark 4:10), feeds them (John 21:9-12), restores them (John 21:15-19), and sends them on a rescue mission (Matt. 28:16-20).
Called to die.
We tread on dangerous ground when we prioritize our own self-seeking desires over our call to be like Christ. In Luke 9:23, Jesus states, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” The call to follow Christ looks like death. It is a death to self. A death to the pursuit of only friendships that nourish me. A death to pursuing only those people who I consider fun, or make me look good.
I want you to hear me clearly. I am not saying that pursuing friendships with like-minded individuals is a bad thing. Nor am I saying that we ought to allow friends to mistreat us or that we should allow for our friendships to become unhealthy. Healthy boundaries are a good and loving thing and actually helps promote healthier friendships. When friends commit a sin against us the Scripture commands us to lovingly confront our brother or sister (Matt. 18:16-17).
My worry is that the self-obsessed ways of the world are impacting how we pursue friendships in the local church. I fear that much of what we call unhealthy in our friendships actually has to do more with a love of self than with actual toxicity in the relationship.
Christ-like friendship is sacrificial.
We are called to sacrifice our needs, wants, and desires for the sake of others (Phi 2:1-4). We are called to die to ourselves. We are to die to our self-serving desires. That instead of pursuing human relationships for personal satisfaction, we would drink deeply from the well-spring of life which is Jesus (John 4:7-10, Psalm 107:9). Jesus alone can satisfy our thirst for friendship and as we are fully nourished by Him, we then seek to pour out our lives in service and care of others. It means that instead of thinking about the benefits a friendship provides you, that you think about how you can incarnate the love of God in the life of your friends.