Truth-Filled Friendship: Responding to the criticism of others

I’ve never been one to handle criticism well. My family would say it’s in my genes, “that’s just how we are!” Some would say it’s because I am Puerto Rican, and our women are fiery. In the past, I have clung to these reasons for my inadequate response to criticism. As I grow in my relationship with the Lord, I have learned that this does not honor him. 

I have learned that with my identity fixed on who God says I am, I can confidently and humbly listen to the criticism of others.

Listen confidently.

For many of us, there is a strong temptation to put our confidence in our achievements. We measure ourselves by how well we perform in our jobs, our homes, and our relationships. Or we compare ourselves to others. When we do well, we are on a spiritual, relational, and emotional high. But that high doesn’t last very long. This is why we need something better. 

I’ve learned that if I am to handle criticism well, that I must first cling to and rest on what the word has to say about my identity in Christ. Therefore, I can listen confidently to the criticism of others because my value comes from the righteousness of Christ. 

Who am I?

The Bible says I am:

In Christ, I am a new creation. (2 Cor. 5:17) 

Through Christ, I am in the family of God. (Rom 8:15-17; Gal 3:26-29; Eph. 1:4-5) 

Because of Christ, I am loved. (1 John 4:7-11)

Through the blood of Christ, his righteousness is mine. (Rom 5:17-21)

We don’t need self-confidence; we need Christ-confidence. It cost him everything to purchase us. We are valuable in the eyes of God not because of anything inherently within us but because of the unsurpassable worth of Jesus Christ. 

Therefore, we rest in the knowledge that even when we are not our best, Jesus Christ is at all times. We can rest knowing that his love for us is unchanging (Eph. 3:17-19), his mercies new every morning (Lam. 3:22-23), and he lavishes grace on us daily.

Listen humbly.

There is tension in the Christian life. We are saints and sinners. (Rom 3:23, Eph 2:19) With the same tongue that we praise our Lord and Savior, we malign those made in the image of God. (Jam. 3:9-10) Daily we are being conformed to the image of Christ, but we are not there yet. (Rom 8:29) That work is not complete. (1 John 3:2) 

When our worth, value, and identity are firmly fixed on Jesus Christ, we can humbly listen to the criticism of others. The Scriptures command us to “exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. (Heb. 3:13) We need to listen when others confront us. 

How then can we listen humbly to others who seek to correct us?  

First, we make time and listen to what others have to say. We ask clarifying questions to try and understand. If you are like me, you may need a few days to process what was said. 

Next, pray that the Lord would reveal our sin. Knowing that our hearts are deceitful above all things (Jer. 17:9), we ask the Lord to show our sin (Psalm 139:23-24). Our natural inclination is to blame others or to shift responsibility. We need the Holy Spirit to shine a light into our hearts so that we may see what is there. (2 Cor. 4:6) 

We invite others who know us well to confirm or deny what this person has said. These should be people who both know us well and aren’t afraid to tell us the truth we sometimes can’t see. (Prov 17:17) We permit them to wound us (Prov. 27:6) so that the Lord may heal us.

We repent of any sin that has been revealed and seek to correct the wrongs we have done. (Col. 3:13)

Where this person is incorrect in their criticism against you, inviting others into the conversation can help you achieve unity and peace (Psalms 133:1; Phill 4:2-3). Even in disagreements, we remember that the same things mentioned above about our identity in Christ are also truths for that person. We look at them through the identity Christ has given them.

With patience and grace, continue to love and serve that friendship (1 Pet. 4:8-10; Rom 12:10; John 15:12-13). And with time, we trust that God will knit our hearts in unity, peace and love (Col. 2:2).

In a world where friendships are shallow, pursue truth-filled friendships, knowing that the wounds of a friend are sometimes God’s grace to us.